my biggest episode….arguably
it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…
and it also involved meds that were hell for me…
i felt like a house that had been set on fire….
and while the shell was left….
from the outside everything fine
the inside was burnt
devastated….
like a forest after a forest fire…
the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all
gone and not just gone
devastated
that was my brain
i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain
and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different
devastated
changed forever
a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking
and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…
same thing
burnt out
deadened
devastated
and i felt lost
i didn’t feel like “myself”
i didn’t know who i was
anymore
i was confused by the diagnosis and everything
and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken
i longed for a way BACK
i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get
BACK
i wanted who i WAS back
i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN
but there is no RE in REcover
and there is no backwards
there is only forwards
and there is no
REcreating yourself
there is only…..
CREATING YOURSELF
only
BECOMING
i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…
i was going to have to BECOME
more
more than i was
many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….
events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks
leaving you with shattered ego pieces…
the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected
and it leaves you alone with them…
your ego never goes back together in the same way
you have been changed (scarred?) forever
and it can break you….
and then…
(i believe)
it can make you
not reclaim
but discover…
a real you
the real you
the truth
Beautifully put ❤️
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Thank you…………………
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I wrote a comment but it disappeared. Excuse my potty mouth, but this is fucking amazing. The vivid imagery (chemical fire) and your poetic language are gifts. Your experience spoke to me as it feels akin to mine. I just wish I could write like you!
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holy fuck dyane. back that truck up!
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😉
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beep…beep…beep! 😉
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Hahahahaha witty witty woman
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