Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth

 

my biggest episode….arguably

it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…

and it also involved meds that were hell for me…

i felt like a house that had been set on fire….

and while the shell was left….

from the outside everything fine

the inside was burnt

devastated….

like a forest after a forest fire…

the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all

gone and not just gone

devastated

that was my brain

i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain

and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different

devastated

changed forever

a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking

and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…

same thing

burnt out

deadened

devastated

and i felt lost

i didn’t feel like “myself”

i didn’t know who i was

anymore

i was confused by the diagnosis and everything

and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken

i longed for a way BACK

i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get

BACK

i wanted who i WAS back

i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN

but there is no RE in REcover

and there is no backwards

there is only forwards

and there is no

REcreating yourself

there is only…..

CREATING YOURSELF

only

BECOMING

i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…

i was going to have to BECOME

more

more than i was

many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….

events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks

leaving you with shattered ego pieces…

the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected

and it leaves you alone with them…

your ego never goes back together in the same way

you have been changed (scarred?) forever

and it can break you….

and then…

(i believe)

it can make you

not reclaim

but discover…

a real you

the real you

 

the truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 comments

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  1. dyane

    I wrote a comment but it disappeared. Excuse my potty mouth, but this is fucking amazing. The vivid imagery (chemical fire) and your poetic language are gifts. Your experience spoke to me as it feels akin to mine. I just wish I could write like you!

    Liked by 1 person

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