I want Freedom in My Happiness

Awhile ago I tweeted a tweet that people seemed to like. I may forget the exact wording but it was a response to someone and it went….

One of the saddest parts of being Bipolar is that we begin to fear our own happiness.

And this remains sad to me

It also remains difficult to curtail this part…the idea of oncoming mania and the need to maybe stop something that is pleasurable.

Because happiness is like our human reward. It is the thing we crave, we seek, we strive for, we live for.

For lots of people the expansion into a feeling of pure happiness is welcome and savored.

As it is for some of us some of the time

But too often for us the feeling of happiness…that glistening gift…is followed quickly by fear…by anxiety…by a quick tally and rundown and add up of the situation and the past situations…

Is this mania??? Am I hypo??? And I making myself hypo with this happiness???

And we have to wonder whether we should continue or stop or change activities and try something else and we have to challenge ourselves and it just is

REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING

and it feels really fucking unfair

And t makes you want to shout

FUCK IT

I DON’T CARE

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

Sun does this to me

I love sun

Love it

Not in a tanning way

Been there done that burnttheshitoutofmyself

But sigh man

I love it

And sitting in it…after the winter dark and cold

Cool breeze on bare feet and arms while sun warms down to the core….

Like the golden saturation of a gorgeous mania after a dark cold depression

And I feel the shifting within myself

The quietness receding…

And something bubbly and magical and FUN

Rising rising rising to the surface

Begging to be dusted off…

And shown off

Begging to be given a chance to run the show…

For just a little awhile

Again

And I smile to myself

And I feel ALIVE

And I love it

And I think

I should go inside

I think

This could ruin everything

I think

this isn’t fair

I just want happiness

But then again

Maybe MY (our) happiness Isn’t normie happiness and it is SO good it should in fact come with a price…

The price of doubt and fear and guilt

But these small things that “trigger” us….that force us to come up against our Bipolar even when we have not thought about it for weeks….these things that remind us that it lives and that we have to contend with it…

Whether we like it or not

Forever

Well I guess they just happen

And they are annoying

And my depression triggers are all over the fucking place

And my agitated buzzy mania ones are ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE

but happy white mania triggers

Are far and few between

And I love them

And I want them

And I don’t like to stop them

Sigh

The sun drenches me and must start running around my brain with sparklers

Because all of a sudden

I feel

Bipolar

And I think

FUCK

I hate this shit

And I really do consider that if I did not have a family that I would say

FUCK IT

I DON’T CARE

So much more

That I would indulge it

Love it

Be free in it

And feel

ALIVE in it

So much more

But I do have a family

I do have responsibilities

And I can’t

I checked those privileges at the OB’s office when I saw that fluttering heartbeat

My life is not mine to fuck with

And so

I have no choice

But to care

Deeply

Hugely

And all of the time

But oh how I long to just expand into the feeling until I’ve become one with the universe and the birds pulsate with light and the clouds swirl and the rain falls down in colors

And more simply

How I long for

Freedom in happiness

 

18 comments

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  1. Andy Smart

    Hiya Claya > Its been a while. Mania is amazing. Its total unadulterated bliss that I dont think many people experience. Yes, as you say its ‘pure’ happiness // golden saturation of a gorgeous mania (love this): For me its a blast of wind that lasts a couple of days only. I know it wont last. At least its there though. >>> Its been a while mate!!!!

    Like

    • bipolarfirst

      hey yes i know it has…I’m still not feeling up to being back back which is why i just shot this one off into the ether and never opened to computer back up. i may still be doing that awhile. I don’t know. yes still caving. It has been amazing. I just fell off right now.

      I thought you weren’t actually Bipolar?????? what is this mania you speak off?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. dyane

    You capture the desire for freedom in happiness *so* well.
    It’s also super-poignant in the part where you bring up your family and how you can throw caution to the wind. You’re extraordinarily caring, loving – never selfish!!!!!

    Your writing is vibrant, no matter subject what you’re addressing. I love that aspect of it so much.

    So often I feel like one moment I’ve “earned” happiness, and in the next moment I worry it will vanish in the wind. And voila, that’s exactly what happens.

    I can’t trust happiness.

    On a separate note, there’s a blogger I came across recently and I thought her writing might speak to you – here’s one of her latest posts.

    https://bipolarphoenixandrea.wordpress.com/2016/02/23/time-to-pretend/

    XOXOXO

    Like

      • dyane

        XOXO Good to see you back here!!! It might not be so bad to be out of the bipolar loop, my friend. I’ve taken breaks before for weeks at a time and it was healthy for me……and I think I need to do it again soon, although I admit I’m hooked on it! :0

        Liked by 1 person

  3. carolineturriff

    What a terrible side effect of being bipolar to fear happiness…I totally understand it though. The doctors said I had cyclothymia a milder form of bipolar and when I get really excited I get frightened because sometimes I can’t sleep at all when I’m excited. After or during a manic feeling I also have a lot of accidents as my mind is just all over the place. I am getting a bit manic with the online dating to be honest and going off into wild fantasies. But at least they are only lasting a day or so rather than months like when I was online dating before!

    Liked by 1 person

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