I wanna Suck the Mania Off her with Straw! Should we really let the Manic dude Talk?

 

 

hey bitches

and male bitches (?)

how about a story post

i don’t feel like being all deep and academic and thoughtful about shit so how about i just regale you with the tale of me and a support group

it happened when….

ok wait CAVEAT TIME…i think support groups are a fab idea.  I would LOVE to find a good one and all shit like that.  I have only tried one support group.  Which is why I’m not writing ALL about ALL support groups…just bitching about one.

before i tell the story i will just out and say that my biggest beef is that there is a dearth of BIPOLAR support groups for Bipolar people

we get thrown in as an afterthought with all of the unipolars

don’t get me wrong

unipolars are great

but it isn’t the same

obv

and i don’t even think that our depressions are really the same

so sure some things we can talk about or whatever but i’m just not going to feel all satisfied talking to the unipolars about my bipolar issues

ok where to begin

i was unmedicated at this point but trying to like do things to like be responsible etc and so i found the support group near me.

it happened to be peer run etc whatever

it was a crazy hot summer day

shorts tanks windows down music up flip flops sunglasses

i’m stuck somewhere in Bipolarworld swirling through a mixed rapid super cycling ultra radian Bipolar shitshow

which had me manicky agitated irritable expansive full of joy fun and wack

and also angsty and empty and hurting and rawly sensitive as fuck

followed my gps to the wrong fucking place trying to find a way in trying to park

late

as UsUal

and so i creep into this church building with no idea where to go or what is happening and having to pee real bad

i hear voices down a hall….(thanks for all the signs bitches) (Literals, there weren’t signs)

and crack the door of a hot stuffy room

all of the chairs are in a circle…right this makes sense

and everyone is quiet and staring at the dude talking

he happens to be sitting directly in front of me at the door and the only empty seat (that i see in my awkward whatthefuckness) is right beside him

so i creep forward and sit down

i say creep but there was a rather rattling show of car keys and sunglasses cases and purse zippers

so i sit and listen to this man

as he talks

and talks

and talks

and

talkstalkstalkstalkstalks

and i’m a manicky ADHD hyper girlie and i can barely focus after three mins

and i can barely sit still after seven

and i begin to fear that i won’t be able to behave like a normal human for very much longer

that i will HAVE to start letting my leg vibrate up and down at a god awful speed looking all around me like i’m expecting the good year blimp to fly through at any moment and i will have to start staring at the ceiling and taking deep breaths and making clicking sounds with my tongue

but i endure

i stare all around the room

i count tiles

i catch whiffs of what he is saying and i am able to pick up that he is manic

(um yeah)

but people it went on

forever

and LORD KNOWS i have compassion for crazy bipolar people

and LORD KNOWS i care deeply about manic people

and i don’t want to come across as some nutty little bitch who couldn’t be nice to the manic guy

but for the love of god

no one ever cut him off

and he used like the WHOLE time

well except that he didn’t because it just went over time until everyone got a chance to talk as long as they wanted about whatever they wanted….all around the circle

and that is all that happened

people said their shit and then it moved to the next person

no responses

no conversation

no nothing

and i couldn’t stand this…both this part…and the next time i went because I couldn’t bear to hear some of this hurting and say nothing….that’s not my nature

but anyway when this guy FINALLY finished and everyone nodded when he suggested that maybe he should refill his lithium….

all eyes turned to me in the next chair

um……….

i think i said something like a couple years ago they said i was bipolar then i didn’t think i was now i think maybe i am and i’m just here ok because my friend wants me to have “support” so give me some fucking “support”

i didn’t say the last part like that

but i spoke for .32100000 seconds

maybe less

and then it moved on

i honestly do not know how i sat through the whole thing

i couldn’t believe everyone else was sitting through the whole thing

i was like wtf how is everyone just all blah in their chairs

where are the agitated manicky mixedy Bipolars

then I realized they weren’t there

they were all unipolar depressed

content to just SIT

while i like seriously might as well have been asked to do long division….such was my intense level of effort on something basically impossible for me to do

old manic guy from the beginning left soon after he talked

so there is that

and then the one other Bipolar besides me finally joined us….

he was dicking around in the hall talking on his phone…

came in late and sat in a seat

fidgeted and looked around

waved at me (cuz i was new i guess)

and then proceeded to mess around on his phone

when he spoke it was obvious he was a member of the inner circle of this group and seemed to be “above the rules” perhaps everyone understanding his Bipolar needs

I was happy that there was another real Bipolar there

So this was not a very awesome meeting for me

since i mostly felt like i was dying and being tortured by having to sit still so long

(once in college my oh so multiculturally inclined friend went to a show thing and for some reason i went with her and basically lost my manic mind in boredom.  it was intense. and i didn’t manage it well since she lists it as one of the like three times in our relationship that she was actively angry with me)

but i was trying to be a good little “maybe i’m bipolar” girl and I went back

sigh eyeroll head shake

the second time i was later

i was even more manic though less agitated and less depressed

and da da da

there was another Bipolar chick there

i could TELL

just by looking at her across the circle

gorgeous slinky sundress

kept crossing and uncrossing legs back and forth

sigh fold arms and exhale at the ceiling

and the telltale vibrating leg

she leaned forward wide eyed interested in me

and once it had been established that we were on the same team we kept smiling at each other across the circle….a Bipolar girl flirt session

the antsy Bipolar guy from the last time was there again….

in and out of the room

all over the place

but when I spoke this time I Spoke People

I spoke about the whole what is me and what is Bipolar and identity and Bipolar and the meds question…does it change us etc etc etc

he stopped and hung on my words honey oh yes

and after the group

he came to me and said YES that was Exactly how he felt!

and we had a great conversation and i felt like hugging him just because i never met anyone who would understand that

as for my darling fellow Bipolar Female….

we pressured speech partied in the parking lot for another 500 years

and i was like YES

a bipolar friend!

but my little Jiminy Cricket was saying LOSE HER NUMBER THIS ISN’T GOOD

because

sigh

I could SMELL the mania on her

I could SEE it wafting off of her skin like dry ice

and my inflamed mixedish little brain went

ooooooooooooooo

and I wanted to suck the mania out of her aura with a straw and fill my own lungs with it

and I was manicky enough that I wasn’t thinking about getting together over boring decaf coffees and venting about our Bipolar

I was envisioning the two of us dressed to the nines and painting the town red manic

and i wanted that

man

i wanted that

so badly

but we never got together

i knew we shouldn’t

i knew that we weren’t good for each other

and our emails faded out

it makes me sad but i do know it was the right thing at the time

i wasn’t “stable” enough

i wonder if i’ll ever be “stable” enough to handle someone else’s mania in my presence

without getting swept up in it

so anyway let’s wrap this thang up

i didn’t go again

the group was very closed off…many of them expressed (while us newbies were there) that they wished that new people didn’t come because they wanted it to just be the original crew….and while there were some of the old members who were aghast at these sentiments and the way they were being expressed….

it was more than enough to get me to say

fuck that shit

and so that is the end of my experience with support groups

i hope you enjoyed the show

come again soon

don’t be a stranger

close the door on your way out

open it when you come back it

take a left turn at the Dairy Queen

stop before you fall into the purple lake

and never ever ever post when manic

jkjkjk

Goodnight San Francisco!

fuckinnutz

 

Peace Love and Vibrating the bench that everyone is sitting on

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 comments

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  1. dyane

    Wow – there’s so much I want to write, but I’m supposed to take a break, ha ha but this was amazing, your style for one is so compelling – it draws you in, it makes everything immediate and it’s almost like I’m in that church room with you!!!!

    Did you know I started a support group for women with bipolar???? We’ve met for over a year just once a month and so far no one has ever come in totally manic, which is bizarre!!! But true. We have had such good exchanges. The group is small and we’ve gotten a chance to know one another. I make sure that everyone gets a chance to talk if they want to, and all that…..but no one is obligated. It’s a good group.

    I totally related to you and that manic friend because I DID make that mistake (with another mom whose kids go to my kids’ school) who I did not meet at my support group. . We didn’t paint the town, but we drank a whole lot of tequila and spent every day together . She lives a couple streets away from me- our kids played with each other and liked each other…then I relapsed, went into the hospital 3 times over the summer and never heard from her. After that, I had to end the friendship and it was a nightmare. Once in a while I drive by her and get triggered – I still get really upset about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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