Life can change on you in an instant….Nobody is going to Fight for you but You….You never know what a person is struggling with inside so be nice….Sometimes you just get screwed and it isn’t your fault….It is okay to say No to things that stress you….Balance is a nice idea that is hard to execute….Every moment of good matters….It isn’t fair….forget about Shame….there is real magic in the world….Some people’s knee jerk reaction is cruelty….You are stronger than you can imagine….some of the most beautiful words in the English language are “me too”….Don’t under estimate the amount of compassion people can have for each other….Yes other people have it worse than you but that doesn’t mean you aren’t in pain….Just because no one listens to you doesn’t mean you should stop speaking up….Honesty is more helpful than positive thinking….Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone else’s life….You will always remember your darkest day….It only matters what other people think on one plane of existence….Everything you have is fleeting….All that matters is loving and being loved, there is no other success….Nobody wants your advice unless you’ve been in their shoes, and even then proceed with caution….Reflect….Don’t listen to the voices that aren’t you….True love exists….When you think you are at your bottom remember that there is always farther to fall….Let people help you….Being Vulnerable makes you tough….You are probably being strong even when you feel like you are weak….You are probably fighting hard even when you feel like you are failing….The only people who matter are the ones who stand by who you really are….You don’t need to share your true self with everyone….The world can be a dark evil place….A sense of humor can save you….Not everyone wants to understand….There may be more Bad in the world but the Good is so much stronger….Nothing is either or….Don’t trust people who act like things are clear cut and simple….You can either stand up for yourself or be run over….Ask for Help….Life is precious….If you’ve been blessed help others….Forgive yourself much as you can….Nobody else can tell you who you are….There are all kinds of acts of courage….There is probably more to you than you will ever know….It is possible to not want to exist but not want to die….It is possible for contradictory ideas to exist at the same time….the real you is not of matter….bravery….there is always more….transform….the only solid thing in the world is the tiny golden pulsing ball of light deep within your soul….sometimes you have to throw something….never underestimate the healing power of a friend who shares your “illness”….a quiet content heart is sacrosanct….when in doubt write it out….the people who think they know are not always right….find your tribe….protect your health with everything you have….Don’t let other people tell you who you are….
To Lithium or Not to Lithium…that is the question
(I wrote this awhile ago but never published it and now after my previous post remembered it. It is funny since he has since contradicted himself big time and taken Lithium off the table for the long haul…whatthefuckever!)
You know there are times that I am just going about my life…
and then maybe the chronic low level blahness of Bipolar kicks up a little and I find myself shriveling or rattling or crying
and I think
I fucking hate this
And from there my thought marble drops down the stairs
chink
chink
chink
to Lithium
.
Because while I do very well on my current meds my Pdoc has said that he’d like me to consider Lithium for the long haul.
He said that if I was really serious about wanting to stop the cycling….all the symptoms
that Lithium is where it’s at.
.
and of course my next thought ….
well after “but what about my kidneys!”
is
how is this happening?
are we really talking about
Lithium?
am I That Bipolar?
how did this happen to my life that I have Bipolar disorder?
.
and Like all of us (most of us?) I am afraid of Lithium
it is kind of funny that we are so afraid of it…
it has the most research
the most proven efficacy
and it is totally natural!
the chakra unblocking yoga people should technically be pushing it on us.
It is essentially a natural element of the earth….a supplement if you will…
that rights some of the wrongs in your brain
like vitamin D or whatever
plus they say Lithium has neuroprotective properties meaning it might actually stop the damage.
at least that’s what I’ve heard
So why aren’t we all leaping for it?
why am I not leaping for it?
Bunch of reasons…
first the boring old one about how it is a free element from the earth so it doesn’t make the big bucks Abilifat and Serofatquel do so there isn’t as much motivation to push it on us
and then there is the way we hear horror stories on the Internet. …..
You know them…
“I took lithium for one day and my feet exploded.”
“I gained twenty pounds in 13 minutes”
“I was so nauseous I pulled my car to the side of the road and puked my brains out”
“I was SO thirsty I found myself drinking out of my dog’s water bowl”
“after five minutes on it I went toxic and DIED”
“I’ve been on it five years and my Bipolar is fixed but I have to carry this bucket around to pee in because my kidneys have been shot to hell”
.
oh yeah
that’s why we don’t want it
.
And then there is the mystique of Lithium…..
Lithium means Bipolar
Lithium means legit Bipolar
like a minivan means legit Soccermom
Once you’re on Lithium it is official.
There is no question
You’ve got the Bipo
and you’ve got it bad
the rest of those meds can be used for other things sometimes….
“oh yeah sure I have epilepsy that’s why I take the anticonvulsants…”
its for anxiety…
depression….
etc
but with Lithium there is no hiding.
No explanation
that shit makes people think Bipolar
actually I think it makes people think
Manic Depressive
Batshit
Lithium carries the biggest stigma
although “antipsychotic” has a nasty ring to it
but it is much more avoidable….
“oh Abilify what is that..like an SSRI or something?”
“um well uh no it’s an antipsy…..people take it for depression..remember the commercial?!”
Although the Latuda commercials have pretty much outed us in that way.
I do appreciate though that they feature a normal looking mom character
well done Latuda People
thanks for the bone
.
Knowing me I would probably get some kind of off and bizarre glee and sense of accomplishment from a prescription for Lithium….
“look everybody I made it. I’m the real fucking deal people!”
I mean I felt a grand feeling of achievement when I got my minivan…..”read it and weep people….I’ve made so many little humans I had to buy this big ass bus to move them around in”
(no hate mail necessary. I am very environmentally behaved. No fear)
.
okay this is a weird post because I started it because I was feeling those Lithium thoughts.
The ones that hit me in the chest with the
“I hate this shit” feeling
because the thing is….
I’m scared of the Lithium.
I’m scared of it ruining my body.
Though when I told my Pdoc I was worried about my kidneys he said that that is not a big deal on low doses and that he would be more concerned about the long term effects of the other meds on my liver.
my jaw must have dropped because in all of this fucking horrible crazy med risk taking shit
I had never worried about my liver.
so thank you for that Pdoc.
But you know. I am paying him to tell me stuff like that.
.
But I am also scared of Lithium because
what if it doesn’t work
what if I use the last bow in my quiver
and I miss
?
That scares me. Because with my particular chemistry and type of Bipolar I don’t actually have a ton of options.
.
But anyway…..we will see
On one hand I want to join in with all of you who are like maybe someday I can handle this without meds…..
On the other hand I am just so fucking sick of it.
Life is short
I want to enjoy it
I wOuld like to spend the least amount of energy worrying about stupid Bipolar as possible
because this shit is forever
and I’m not actually that old
surprise!
.
So if I do go on Lithium I really hope I can find a cute t shirt that says “Lithium” in sparkly pink letters.
it would make me happy
yeah I’m that weird
and you are reading my blog so what does that make you?
ooooooo
snap
.
If Lithium is the hard core Bipolar ass kicking ninja of the medication world
And if Lithium is going to give me the life I want and deserve….
I might just invite her on in…
And if I do I’m getting that shirt
and yeah I would say “hey you guys read it and weep. I’m legit crazy! I am an official manic depressive now.”
I learned a long time ago that a little grandiosity goes a long long way.
wink
Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!
i’m gonna second this!
peace and well…peace 🙂
I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!
With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you…
View original post 121 more words
Escape Fantasy Random Just Fun
heard this again and thought of you guys!
you truly haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Venga Boys video. so i’m doing you a huge favor.
It’s kinda unfair though i’m not showing you Boom Boom Boom.
sorry.
but this is the one I like when I’m depressed.
Yeah I know.
I never said I wasn’t weird
in fact I HAVE said I am weird…repeatedly
if you can’t take the cheese get out of the kitchen
peace love and escape fantasies
Scars and Egos and Finding the Truth
my biggest episode….arguably
it was the one that led me to my diagnosis…
and it also involved meds that were hell for me…
i felt like a house that had been set on fire….
and while the shell was left….
from the outside everything fine
the inside was burnt
devastated….
like a forest after a forest fire…
the lush life that once danced in a rich wovenness through the fabric of it all
gone and not just gone
devastated
that was my brain
i do believe that there was a chemical fire in my brain
and i do believe that my synapse chemical brain structure forest must have looked different
devastated
changed forever
a havoc the previous episodes had never come close to wreaking
and in my heart soul spirit emotional center self place…
same thing
burnt out
deadened
devastated
and i felt lost
i didn’t feel like “myself”
i didn’t know who i was
anymore
i was confused by the diagnosis and everything
and everything inside the shell had been burned out…taken
i longed for a way BACK
i desperately sought and brainstormed ways to get
BACK
i wanted who i WAS back
i wanted to go back to who i HAD BEEN
but there is no RE in REcover
and there is no backwards
there is only forwards
and there is no
REcreating yourself
there is only…..
CREATING YOURSELF
only
BECOMING
i was never going to go back to who I had been (not talking mere personality and passion here)…
i was going to have to BECOME
more
more than i was
many people experience events in life which strip them of everything….
events that take your ego and ruthlessly dash it upon the rocks
leaving you with shattered ego pieces…
the pieces of the identity and person and life that you so painstakingly constructed and protected
and it leaves you alone with them…
your ego never goes back together in the same way
you have been changed (scarred?) forever
and it can break you….
and then…
(i believe)
it can make you
not reclaim
but discover…
a real you
the real you
the truth
Not your mama’s Patty Duke Died Post-Badass Bipolar Hero
wHAT the Fuck?
she died
she actually died
Patty Duke is dead now?
i’M fucking SAD y’all
It feel in a way like my grandparent died
except I don’t really know my grandparents
I know Patty Duke
not personally!
I know her because she let everyone know her
that happens when you write memoirs
I know I have said previously that Therese Borchard was the first Bipolar person I “knew”
but that isn’t actually true
It was Ms. Duke
I feel all respectful and shit like I should call her that
maybe I shouldn’t have sworn ?
oh well let’s keep going
At first I didn’t know it…that she was the first fellow Bipolar I “met”
As a kid I drank up The Patty Duke Show (reruns! I’m old but not that old)
thoroughly enjoying the preposterous premise and the dresses Cathy wore
Somewhat later I was slightly hypomanicly obsessed with the Miracle Worker
it spoke to something in me
a deep dark emotionality and poignancy
and I found it beautiful in a way that went beyond what people around me felt (same thing with Moonstruck shrug)
From the creepy black and white opening with her stumbling through dark hallways to chilling music
to the pure aliveness of the end
I was hooked into the story
and mesmerized by the acting
I’ve always been somewhat of a fool for superb acting
I can tend to be rather Holden Caulfield about movies but great acting sucks me in
and she sucked me in
and next thing I knew I read her page turning (to me?) intense crazy memoir Call Me Anna
and THAT my friends was the first time I came across
Manic Depression
and so it didn’t cause me any judgement and there was no stigma or shame or anything in it to me.
Patty Duke had it. That was all. It seemed like it sucked immensely.
It made for an exciting heart breaking yet inspirational story
I didn’t know anything about society’s feelings surrounding it
plus
I was an undiagnosed unaware cyclothymic teenager who felt removed from all of that….
like teenagers and humans tend to do…
I never thought anything like that would ever happen to me….
I also remember seeing the TV movie that was made out of Call Me Anna
I have somewhat recently scoured the world trying to find a way to see this movie and found it sadly impossible
maybe it will be possible now
now that she’s gone
And she played HERSELF in that movie
she played HERSELF people
rocking in corners
and hurling things around
and being Bipolar
literally reliving her own Bipolar
it is hard for me to imagine such bravery
such courage
such ferocious vulnerable exposure
especially 30 years ago
a time when Bipolar was even more stigmatized and way less understood and all of that good stuff
But anyway….
I felt a connection to her as a teenager…fascinated and inspired
so where do I go a large and raucous decade later when the Psychiatrist grabs my hand and stamps it with the Bipolar stamp….
I go to the Library of course and pick up….
Call Me Anna
and her other memoir A Brilliant Madness (a title I can’t help but love)
and I find comfort being immersed in the words of the one person I know is Bipolar
and I know she has “beaten” it…made a fine fine life for herself
overcome so much I mean Holy Hell what DIDN’T happen to her in childhood…
and given back in SO many ways…to our Bipolar community and so much more
she was as smart as a fire cracker
creative and beautiful inside and out
and witty of course…can’t do without witty around here
I went through youtube with a fine tooth comb watching her speak about Bipolar
I watched a clip of her on Oprah speaking to a newly diagnosed and suffering Bipolar man…
with a deep emotional ocean behind her eyes that can only come from one who KNOWS…
and she told him it could be better…. that he could have a good life
and that slammed me with a desperate trusting hope
and I cried
and I’m crying now
I’m actually kind of surprised how much the whole thing pings the back of my heart
but I’m also so sad because I just saw that her son, Samwise Gamgee…I mean Sean Astin, reported that she suffered horribly before her death
and I’m like
no
I don’t want it that way
I want her to have passed peacefully in her sleep like Gene Kelly or something
I know suffering is part of life and many people suffer terribly
but I still don’t want anyone to suffer
and to know of everything this woman went through….
a woman with such demons she tried to escape/kill herself numerous times
and then suffered terribly into death
at 69!
at 69
too early
and I think we could have used a lot more of her
I feel the loss for our community
she had a big voice
she was someone to point to….
I often did actually…when Bipolar came up…especially among an older crowd…stigma filled conversations and me voice shakingly piping up with….
“That isn’t what Bipolar really is. Look at Patty Duke… she’s Bipolar.”
too afraid to out myself but happily using Patty Duke as an example of what a Bipolar can look like….
and what a Bipolar life can be
And we NEED that stuff
She was very wise
I learned a lot from her
Bipolar stuff and other life stuff
and one thing that matters most to me is that she accepted the Manic Depression wholeheartedly while also refusing to renounce one of her mystical experiences….
refusing to write it off as nothing but fucked up brain shit
she stood up to her PsychDoc and he continued to tell her she was in denial of all sorts and had just had a delusional and psychotic blip of sorts.
and she was all like fuck that shit
and as a Bipolar chick with a fair amount of mystical experiences tucked away in special files…I appreciate this greatly…
the idea that someone else…so known and so Bipolar..ALSO believes that this shit does not have to be all One way or All the Other…..
that’s just me
and Ms. Duke
I tweeted once for a post on textbook Bipolar that
“Nobody is textbook Bipolar except maybe Patty Duke”
she really was pretty darn textbook Bipolar
which unfortunately also allowed me to deny my own issues because held up to her Bipolar mine looks nothing like it
except in ways
and I get it now
this last quote from her sums everything up….
to me it is the quote I want to cross stitch (or someone else to cross stitch for me. I can’t handle that shit) and hang on my wall……
“I’ve survived. I’ve beaten my own bad system and on some days, on most days, that feels like a miracle.”
It is a miracle
we all know that
Shall I be super cray cheesy right now and say……
we’re all Miracle Workers
sure whatthehell
We’re all Miracle Workers
but
What the fuck?
She’s really dead?????????
Hearing You Heals Me-Reliving Bipolar
Here is what happens to me
I want so much to read all of your blogs
and I want to write mine
and I want to look at my Twitter
and it’s all Bipolar
and I get to thinking about Bipolar
and before I know it
I’m reliving my Bipolar
I find myself slipping and I sign off saying no more today….
only to find myself sitting in memories…….
flooded with feelings and images
like
my unwashed hair in a flippy bun….ugly brown tank top (all i could find)…hot sweaty day….
lawn mowers quesadilas
tears of numbness
hollow pained everything
unable to move or think or be
having a friend call my Pdoc because I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HER ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE.
Calling Pdoc….she’s out of town….the Doc on call for her says…”just wait till she gets back”….five days…..
and I see myself like I’m watching myself from the side and I want to grab my own shoulders and ….i don’t know
this was the day i started researching hospitals
this was the day i felt bipolar close around me like a pack of wolves and I realized more than I ever had before…
that i wasn’t going to defeat this with a bad ass attitude and white knuckled grit
I finally faced the reality that I could be destroyed
that the Bipolar was not a cute quirky thing about me like my Zodiac sign or my Vivid Imagination
It was this day that I decided I would take the meds…
any meds
my second round…around 2 years after my first….denial is a powerful beast…
and so I sit here in this memory…..
feeling that place to a point where I want to write it….
and it makes me feel Bipolar
and it makes me think even more about Bipolar
it puts me in a Bipolar place
and I feel detached in a way from the other things I was about to do…the normal domesticity of life…the nonBipolar tasks and amusements…
which now pale beside these glaring neon memories and feelings
and I have to find a way back to my life
But even so
I am beyond grateful to share and express and vent and process these things….
i know on some level this is what we/I need to do to deal with this Bipolar life
On another level I have to be so careful…
so careful it makes me nauseous
I wish that once in awhile I could not let everything bleed together
I wish I was better at not being so susceptible to it all
I thank you all for sharing your lives and stories and traumas and fears
Hearing you helps me see mine…feel mine…heal (?) mine
pEACE Love and Processing Shit Together
Bipolar Together
The Bipolar Made Me Do It…but the Shame is eating me alive
We’ve all done it
We all know it
We’ve all been there
We all hold something
maybe a bunch of somethings
head hanging
head shaking
OhMyGoding
WhatTheFucking
the Shame that is like an actual physical creature
the Shame that is like acid
burning you up inside
making you want to break glass windows
Shame that hurts
and
stupid
stupid
stupid
why why why
how?
HOW?
And it blows your mind that YOU were the person doing that
behaving that way
SAYING those things
embarrassed
and horrified
scared of yourself
of Bipolar
of the reality of what it can do
the extent to which it can take you from you
the way it can lead you blithely skipping into your own ruin
and that
is terrifying
You’re Not Hot enough to be Crazy-Bipolar Women and the pressure to look good
I was watching a TV show last night in which a man said to a woman…
“You’re not hot enough to be crazy”
The implication was not that hotness is listed in the DSM as a defining characteristic of being crazy…
no
the implication was that crazy is only tolerable in an attractive woman.
a “hot” woman
now this man was smack you in the face obviously supposed to be a dickwad
and it wasn’t a romantic situation
but it struck me anyway
especially because it came on the heels of an interesting (as usual) conversation I had with another Bipolar woman.
and it was about this idea
it was us asking this question
is crazy more tolerable from attractive well put together woman.
Is that what society thinks?
So then to hear this line in this show just kind of saying it….
well it made me want to think about it
so here I am thinking about it.
So is this like A Thing?
I’m not a man so I don’t know if they have some standards for how much crazy they will deal with according to how pretty the girl is.
Are they willing to deal with the crazy if they get pretty out of it?
and what about the rest of society….what about in a more general sense?
is this how it goes?
“She’s nuts but she’s adorable”
so it’s endearing
“She’s a crazy bitch but look at that ass”
like it’s worth it?
it’s worth dealing with the crazy?
there is a compensation
and somehow a fair amount of attractiveness cancels out a fair amount of crazy….
especially when that attractiveness is brought about or combined with a level of maintenance that makes a woman look….
“put together”
It all makes sense in a way given that the world likes pretty people
it just IS that way
So yeah…
maybe you get a pass of some sort
when you’re hot
maybe you can even be hot “enough” that people will accept your crazy
maybe you can be hot enough that people may find your crazy
cute
endearing
fun?
Crazy without Cute is just…..
Crazy
And Crazy is a huge pain in the ass
Once as a child……… maybe 8 years old?….
I went to school with my hair in pigtails
Proud was I of the glorious silky tails and cutesy feminine bows…
I was a small woman child
already attaching importance to my appearance in a way I am certain the second grade gentlemen did not.
And I felt pretty and adorable
and I liked it….
but the point of telling you this is that on this particular day…..
I didn’t do my math homework….
and I was singled out and told off a bit…
I was embarrassed and shamed and all of that
and my first thought was….
da da DA!
At least I look good.
For some reason this story (and tons more like it) feels relevant to this post.
and For some reason it feels relevant to the rest of my years following….
my years as a woman
my years as a Bipolar Woman
because where does this idea of…
“You’re not hot enough to be crazy”
put all of us “Crazy” women
perhaps many of you do not relate to this issue
but I know that many of you do
how are we supposed to deal with this?
how DO we deal with this?
is it by freaking out about our appearance?
every pound
every wrinkle
Do we feel DOUBLE the responsibility to “look good”?
one…because we are a woman
and
two….because we’re starting behind…we’re already at a loss….
because we’re damaged goods…
we are already NOT WORTH IT
and we damn well better AT LEAST…
be nice to look at
Like if you’re going to screw up and be Bipolar you need to at least be pretty.
throw the world that bone
Pull yourself together
dress cute
be cute
fix your face
and don’t eat
and maybe we’ll let the crazy slide
and
Maybe we will say……
Oh yeah that girl is Bipolar…..
BUT
(incredulously)
isn’t she pretty?
My Bipolar Doesn’t have a Backburner
we all know that Bipolar is never something that we can just forget about…
all the meds in the world aren’t going to allow us to move on with our lives as though Bipolar never happened to us….or IS happening to us.
but can we once in awhile get to a point…a level…a place where the Bipolar is just something that we deal with in a semi detachedish way…
for me yes I think it can and does
although it is hard to say
the ride that it is for me has consisted of peaks of episodes and dips of denial (or vice versa however you want to look at it)
and neither episode nor period of denial really facilitates consciously moving Bipolar to a back burner
now does it?
and as usual when I scroll back through the months and years I find myself unable to truly decipher what was a Bipolarie time and what was not. Where did these episodes end and begin….how many of these little flare ups were really bigger flare ups that I didn’t realize….
Ya know…
How much “hyper” was “hypomania”
How much “hypomania” was “mania”
How much shitty “baseline” was really just more super cycling mildish all over the fucking place Bipolar CRAP?
yeah I don’t know
I wouldn’t bet money on any of it
but somehow in there I feel like I have a “normal” that is MY “normal”
there is some kind of something that happens sometimes and it somehow kinda feels like my normal…
I’m not calling it awesome or happy or actually normal or any shit like that
I’m just saying that in a Bipolar life my normal isn’t normal
but i feel like it’s normal
whatever I’m too tired to figure out a better way to explain it than that right now
but there was a point to that…
oh yeah
there have been times when I think about Bipolar less than other times
I feel like I am always hyper-vigilant
even now I just did a bit of traveling and I feel offish again
having Bipolar is like constantly renegotiating every single day.
bfighlrgjslrng;sofjhosdflakhfiwgh;dkjbovskgpdjh;ojglsngsjglnskd
that’s how I feel about that
but there is also a difference between managing your own Bipolar and thinking about Bipolar in general.
and at least for me the latter can be triggering
which is why I keep disappearing
I started this blog with a whole lot to say
and I’ve said so much
and I find myself unwilling to think and write about Bipolar all the time sometimes… right now…once in awhile…
I love the community and sharing the ideas and everything
but sometimes I want to “forget” about Bipolar
I have to deal with mine of course but I don’t want to think about it beyond that
sometimes I don’t want to hear the word Bipolar all the time
I don’t want to think about my history with it
I don’t want to go about my daily life thinking deep thoughts about Bipolar in my head
sometimes I just don’t want to rub it in my own face that I am Bipolar
sometimes I want a day or week or month or (gasp) a year (nah impossible) without thinking very much about the global Bipolar
part of it is my fault
I don’t moderate very well. I am ALL or NOTHING
I am IN or I am OUT
I am thinking about it ALL THE TIME or I am thinking about it NEVER
as the song by Terri Clark goes….
“I never could do anything with half my heart”
and
I tend to get a little fiery…a touch passionate…I tend to care A LOT
and that my friends
can wear a girl out.
After my break and internet “cleanse” I view Bipolar kind of like my relationship with the internet and all of that….
It’s there.
I can’t get rid of it.
I have to deal with it.
but I have to engage in it without getting sucked in.
Bipolar is like my phone
it’s always there but if I look at it all the time it makes me cray
but ya know if I have an idea I’m gonna write it down
unless like now I feel like my arrows are falling all around the point I wanted to make and not succeeding in getting a word to hit the actual bullseye.
I’m having a hard time focusing
but hey
good enough works for me if it works for you
So what do you think about Bipolar and the back burner?
Like can it happen?
Do you get this difference I see between managing your own and talking about it all of the time…which I don’t think is just a blogger thing because it happened to me before I was a blogger and just in the community.
I don’t know. I wonder.
I think for me it is possible to stop thinking or shelve the thinking about the general global Bipolar…because I have…
but as for a back burner for My Own Personal Bipolar….
not so much
I’d like to think that sometimes when the rolling boil has calmed down to a simmer that I can put a lid on it
and just come stir it once in awhile
anxiously checking
afraid the whole thing will bubble over the sides and down into the burners
again
and god damn but it is fucking hard to clean those burners
takes forever
in some cases takes a professional
and a lot of chemicals
HA
fuck man I love an analogy that just keeps going
and going
I’ve got analogies for days y’all
whew I feel like this a scattered ramble but I miss you beautiful crazy people so I’ll publish it for ya.
Peace Love and Analogies involving Burners
Fuck you very much you Silly PsychDoc
Okay come on now
Yes we all know by now that psychiatrists all say different things
and remember I have seen 10…firing them off at my own volition until I have found one worth the ugly couch you sit upon.
don’t you love the ones that have chairs…
it’s so different so inspired so fresh and unpsychoanalytic
and I love how they say with a self satisified smile
“oh sit wherever you like!”
all like “Look how cool and relaxed and in touch I am”
whatever
psychiatrists make us crazy
but what is also so dementingly infuriating is how one Pdoc contradicts himself
ugh
others have done this
and my current one does this
and when I call him out he makes shit up and covers himself with stuff like…
“well I said that because X Y or Z was happening”
and I’m like “No it wasn’t you said this…”
and on and on
and it’s totally fucking pointless
because we all know
i’m crazy
and he’s the doc
we could just check the notes and see what was said….
OH YEAH HE WROTE THEM WITHOUT MY INPUT
but anyway he contradicts himself on stuff like…
what my long term med should be…
which med is more damaging for my liver
thyroid
kidneys
etc etc etc
ya know
important shit like that
and I’m like
W T F M F !!!!!!!!
because all of these things are important.
we’re talking about the longterm health of our ENTIRE bodies
and I don’t know about you all
but I want to make it all the way to the end of this crazy beautiful life!
I know
I’m weird like that
and these meds are serious
and we are faced with decisions all of the time
and it would BE NICE to have A DOCTOR
help us out.
I will say though That I Like this Pdoc
I do
Yeah he’s got a power trip thing
and he does this contradicting himself thing
but I like his approach to meds
he gives me the meds I want and know I need
he says deep shit
he’s got a lot of experience with Bipolars
and he’s fucking smart
and that matters to me
so ya know
Nothing is perfect
I just hope my liver is actually okay
that silly SOB
Peace Love and those FUCKING Pdocs
Help me understand the awards stuff
this is not a good post. This is just a questionguys I don’t get it.
What is the deal with the awards stuff?
I never know what to do.
I think people have tried to nominate me or something before and that is so sweet but I don’t get it and there are so many directions involved and I just feel weird.
And then some people choose to be “an award free blog” and may even have it posted on their homepage “this is an award free blog”
and I don’t know why people do that either.
Anybody want to explain it to me.
Bipolar First Bipolar Together 