Bipolar paradox…Identity…Truth

Anybody who has been reading me for awhile has probably noticed that I can be a bit stereotypically pejoratively Bipolar.

Flip flopping from one side to another.

Love it

Hate it

Proud

Shamed

is it a disorder

it’s not a disorder

etc

etc

etc

.

I stand by all of that as just another declaration of the weird

incomrehensible

nebulosity

of Bipolar

and perhaps

of myself …….

.

Life doesn’t often give us neatly wrapped black and white concepts.

Simple feelings applied to simple ideas

if that is how it feels

then

it is a construct

or an illusion

.

“Bipolar” is not one thing….

it is so very many

with so very much bound up in it and tethered to it

.

And I have never understood “either or” thinking

“either or” thinking sort of repels out of my mind

i have a “why not?” kind of mind.

and Bipolar follows suit

.

Things have gotten better for mothers recently in that more and more have come out and said….

“you know what I don’t LOVE this ALL of the time and that has nothing to do with the quality of my mothering.”

More and more feel comfortable talking about how hard it is and how sometimes they even hate it….in the past (and now) people attack them for not loving their children or being bad mothers…

sigh

because the truth is….does anyone love anything ALL of the time?

You could score your absolute dream job…and you know that there will be parts you dread and hate.

That is life

Life Experiences are not homogeneous….not working…not parenting….not Bipolar

.

And so I feel totally fine saying…

I love mania!

I am proud to be Bipolar

and

I am grateful for the Bipolar in my life

and also say….

I would do anything to get rid of it…

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

and

I feel totally betrayed by my own mind

They are both true

.

Does that blow your mind?

Let’s do more

I hate it but I hesitate at the thought of losing it

I want to die because of it but I’m afraid to die because of it

I can say I don’t like labels and Bipolar is just an inaccurate word..

And!

I can slip this word over my head like a dress and twirl around in it if I want to

I am Bipolar

but I don’t think bipolar is a thing

I have Bipolar disorder but I don’t believe there is anything disordered about me

.

Both

why can’t it be both?

not a simple one-sided plane of existence

.

I am allowed to both hate Bipolar and be grateful for it

I am allowed to curse it’s name and yet

pocket the golden coins hoping nobody sees me doing it…

I can say that my manias were amazing without condoning manias in general and exonerating Bipolar.

One minute I can say I would never take a cure and the next minute I can beg for a cure

.

That is allowed

That is life

That is Bipolar

.

Blessing curse mystery…..

.

.

.

Lately this concept has come up a couple of times….

this thing I keep going on about about the inner and outer realms

I think it is worth repeating because it may work for some…..

my head has to be in a spacey enough place to get it right though….

there is the world…the outer world…the outer realm

and labels and disorders and terms and explanations are all a part of that world.

.

We have to live in this world….

we each have to decide how we will participate with this world….

some people declare…don’t label me!

others say proudly I am mentally ill!

but the outer world can only handle and see outer world things…

we are all figuring out how to mesh our truths with this outer….

and we are all different

.

Then there is the inner realm….

we sit alone in this one

with our being

our truth

our wholeness

and we try on words and ideas

to see if one will fit our truth

some of us may hold the word Bipolar in our hands and toss it like a snake

or think no way I’m going to wear this

other may think

yes this is the word I’ve been waiting for

others may think this is a stupid word but what the hell I’ll wear it out there….

.

.

We hold truths in the inner realm that are very hard to transfer into the harsh world of black and white good or bad concepts and constructs…

we learn to live in both realms and do what we need to do in order to

keep ourselves

whole

and mostly

to feel like

ourselves

.

So this is where I am….

I am not ashamed of Bipolar…I am happy to put that dress on…

it is just a WORD

a word placed on us

At the same time I happy to run my mouth about what a stupid inaccurate misleading word it is….

My inner truth is

so much more

more than I could ever share

.

.

So when you say “I am Bipolar” that DOES NOT MEAN

that you are saying that you are ALL bipolar…

that bipolar is what you are made out of.

.

For me using the word is just claiming that place with that group in the outer…..

it has nothing at all to do with

who

I

AM

in truth

.

and it is the truth that sets you free

.

.

.

17 comments

Add Yours
  1. AndrewS

    Can we pretty please with sugar on top just be done and officially call it The Nebulosity???!!!

    “Bro, I just got diagnosed.”
    “No way. Whadda ya got?”
    “The Nebulosity.”
    “Dude. Sounds nebulous.”
    “Dude. It IS.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. lolabipola

    I too love mania. I love it so much, it scares me. I wish I had it more often, but I am the nebulosity flavour that endures more depression than mania, although that was not always the case. My late teens and twenties were mostly manic. Good times *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. DM

    Great post and great fricken comments, LOL.

    I guess I’m the “odd bunny out” since I refuse to wear labels. They almost got me, and a few others I know, killed a few times over the years.

    Now I just tell people, “I’m human, I think.” : )

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarfirst

      You’re not odd…

      but maybe you’re a bunny

      many of us don’t like labels….

      I feel like “labels” get a really bad rap. Labeled is a negative thing.

      I don’t feel labeled when I use the word Bipolar for myself. I just feel like I am using the word that society has given me to communicate something.

      Like

  4. Sandra

    This was an absolutely stunning piece of writing. I love the metaphor to wearing our bipolar as we would slipping a dress on over our head. Beautiful! Was also reading the comments and I had to laugh at Andrew’s with the nebulosity stuff. I’m not deep and thinky enough to have paused and savoured that word!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s