Anybody who has been reading me for awhile has probably noticed that I can be a bit stereotypically pejoratively Bipolar.
Flip flopping from one side to another.
is it a disorder
it’s not a disorder
I stand by all of that as just another declaration of the weird
of myself …….
Life doesn’t often give us neatly wrapped black and white concepts.
Simple feelings applied to simple ideas
if that is how it feels
it is a construct
or an illusion
“Bipolar” is not one thing….
it is so very many
with so very much bound up in it and tethered to it
And I have never understood “either or” thinking
“either or” thinking sort of repels out of my mind
i have a “why not?” kind of mind.
and Bipolar follows suit
Things have gotten better for mothers recently in that more and more have come out and said….
“you know what I don’t LOVE this ALL of the time and that has nothing to do with the quality of my mothering.”
More and more feel comfortable talking about how hard it is and how sometimes they even hate it….in the past (and now) people attack them for not loving their children or being bad mothers…
because the truth is….does anyone love anything ALL of the time?
You could score your absolute dream job…and you know that there will be parts you dread and hate.
That is life
Life Experiences are not homogeneous….not working…not parenting….not Bipolar
And so I feel totally fine saying…
I love mania!
I am proud to be Bipolar
I am grateful for the Bipolar in my life
and also say….
I would do anything to get rid of it…
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
I feel totally betrayed by my own mind
They are both true
Does that blow your mind?
Let’s do more
I hate it but I hesitate at the thought of losing it
I want to die because of it but I’m afraid to die because of it
I can say I don’t like labels and Bipolar is just an inaccurate word..
I can slip this word over my head like a dress and twirl around in it if I want to
I am Bipolar
but I don’t think bipolar is a thing
I have Bipolar disorder but I don’t believe there is anything disordered about me
why can’t it be both?
not a simple one-sided plane of existence
I am allowed to both hate Bipolar and be grateful for it
I am allowed to curse it’s name and yet
pocket the golden coins hoping nobody sees me doing it…
I can say that my manias were amazing without condoning manias in general and exonerating Bipolar.
One minute I can say I would never take a cure and the next minute I can beg for a cure
That is allowed
That is life
That is Bipolar
Blessing curse mystery…..
Lately this concept has come up a couple of times….
this thing I keep going on about about the inner and outer realms
I think it is worth repeating because it may work for some…..
my head has to be in a spacey enough place to get it right though….
there is the world…the outer world…the outer realm
and labels and disorders and terms and explanations are all a part of that world.
We have to live in this world….
we each have to decide how we will participate with this world….
some people declare…don’t label me!
others say proudly I am mentally ill!
but the outer world can only handle and see outer world things…
we are all figuring out how to mesh our truths with this outer….
and we are all different
Then there is the inner realm….
we sit alone in this one
with our being
and we try on words and ideas
to see if one will fit our truth
some of us may hold the word Bipolar in our hands and toss it like a snake
or think no way I’m going to wear this
other may think
yes this is the word I’ve been waiting for
others may think this is a stupid word but what the hell I’ll wear it out there….
We hold truths in the inner realm that are very hard to transfer into the harsh world of black and white good or bad concepts and constructs…
we learn to live in both realms and do what we need to do in order to
to feel like
So this is where I am….
I am not ashamed of Bipolar…I am happy to put that dress on…
it is just a WORD
a word placed on us
At the same time I happy to run my mouth about what a stupid inaccurate misleading word it is….
My inner truth is
so much more
more than I could ever share
So when you say “I am Bipolar” that DOES NOT MEAN
that you are saying that you are ALL bipolar…
that bipolar is what you are made out of.
For me using the word is just claiming that place with that group in the outer…..
it has nothing at all to do with
and it is the truth that sets you free